Contents:

·         Cat

·         Caterpillar

·         Christmas When

·         Frankie Wankie

·         Junira Nations

·         Approaching Twenty

·         Mná

·         Joan Maguire

·         My Love Bites

·         Lily White Breast

·         Alan Mullally’s Song (Now I’m Leaving)

·         The Hero

·         Kim Bassinger’s Diet

·         Statue

·         The Great God Pan

·         Worms

·         Spare a Thought

·         Resolution

·         Jimmy Loves Mary

·         Books

·         In Slattery’s

·         Krunchy and Milady

·         The Da

·         The Great Six-O

·         My Garden

·         Female Modes of Dress (or The Miniskirt)

·         Good Morning

·         The Dance in the Village Hall

·         Typing Section

·         Vacant Mood

·         Do You Yen for a Feel

·         Obsessed

·         Silver Wedding

·         Corrakit

·         The Civil Servant

·         The New Daughter of Houlihan

·         Mayo in July

·         Home Computers

·         Lewinsky

·         Jacussy

·         Tit Shaking

·         Paddy Macaroni

·         Hour on a Bean

The Outrageous Poems of Krunchie Killeen:

JOAN MAGUIRE

(From the Irish)

Early this morning I left for the fair in Boyle.

I met a fine lady who threw me a friendly smile.

I sat down beside her to chat for a little while,

And I spent all my money there drinking with Joan Maguire.

O, Joan Maguire, you’ve ruined my life, you bitch.

You captured my heart, yet yielded me ne’er a kiss.

When I was spendin’ your attention was warm and rich;

When my pocket was empty, I found I was promptly ditched.

Now here I am in this town of Boyle forlorn,

Feeling so foolish, I wish that I ne’er was born.

Can’t do my duty: my money is spent and gone.

When I try to stand up, I’m so drunk that again I fall.

My curse on this town with its women so wild and free.

My curse on the townies who trick country boys like me.

My curse on my parents for rearing such a blithering fool,

And my twenty five curses upon my misguided tool.

O, Joan Maguire, I dream of you day and night,

Your friendly smile, your eyes sparkling with delight.

Though you’re a rogue, I long for your soft caress,

My arms to enfold you and hold you close to my breast.

Copyright

You may copy the poems for your own amusement, but you may not distribute or perform any poem publicly or for reward until you have obtained my consent.

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