Contents:

·         Cat

·         Caterpillar

·         Christmas When

·         Frankie Wankie

·         Junira Nations

·         Approaching Twenty

·         Mná

·         Joan Maguire

·         My Love Bites

·         Lily White Breast

·         Alan Mullally’s Song (Now I’m Leaving)

·         The Hero

·         Kim Bassinger’s Diet

·         Statue

·         The Great God Pan

·         Worms

·         Spare a Thought

·         Resolution

·         Jimmy Loves Mary

·         Books

·         In Slattery’s

·         Krunchy and Milady

·         The Da

·         The Great Six-O

·         My Garden

·         Female Modes of Dress (or The Miniskirt)

·         Good Morning

·         The Dance in the Village Hall

·         Typing Section

·         Vacant Mood

·         Do You Yen for a Feel

·         Obsessed

·         Silver Wedding

·         Corrakit

·         The Civil Servant

·         The New Daughter of Houlihan

·         Mayo in July

·         Home Computers

·         Lewinsky

·         Jacussy

·         Tit Shaking

·         Paddy Macaroni

·         Hour on a Bean

The Outrageous Poems of Krunchie Killeen:

MY LOVE BITES

Dear Agony, this letter said,

My boyfriend does strange things in bed.

I fear it is a mortal sin;

He never puts his organ in;

My cheek and chin he tends to peck,

Then sinks his teeth into my neck.

Miss Column pondered and then wrote:

This may be the kind of bloke,

Old fashioned, (though I dearly doubt),

Who thinks to keep his organ out

Is, indeed, less of a sin

Than if he put said organ in.

But you have given few details;

Perhaps he really tries but fails:

Could it be that you are tight or small,

Or that he has no balls at all.

Have you verified,- with your hand,-

That he is truly as God planned?

When he bites, does he draw blood,

Then smack his lips and say, "That's Good!"

And, when he raises up his head,

Do his mouth corners dribble red?

And do you shiver and near expire?

Yes, is your boyfriend a Vampire?

If so, it is your Virgin Blood

He goes for, as his Wonder Food.

As the matter, then, rests on a thin piece of tissue,

Your milkman can readily resolve the issue.

If, after the milkman, boyfriend still bites,

He's not a vampire, and you're all right.

But, if you are a moral conservative,

Here's the advice that I must give:

At night by your bedside place

Some Holy Water and a stake,

And, as he pecks your cheek or chin,

Pour the water over him.

If this shatters his desire

And makes him shout, "Christ, I'm on fire",

Grab the stake, and with one dart

Drive it through his demon heart.

Drop his body off the Cliffs of Moher,

And then, dear Mary, your problem's over.

Yet one thing still occurs to me

Of some importance, you'll agree.

You did not say if you enjoy

This peck-and-bite love of your boy.

If so, forget that other crap

And go on bedding with your chap.

A diet of good, wholesome food

To keep up your supply of Virgin blood;

Keep your milkman outside the gate;

Don't bother with Holy Water or stake;

Whether or not he's a foul Vampire,

Let him peck away to his heart's desire.

Copyright

You may copy the poems for your own amusement, but you may not distribute or perform any poem publicly or for reward until you have obtained my consent.

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