Contents:

·         Cat

·         Caterpillar

·         Christmas When

·         Frankie Wankie

·         Junira Nations

·         Approaching Twenty

·         Mná

·         Joan Maguire

·         My Love Bites

·         Lily White Breast

·         Alan Mullally’s Song (Now I’m Leaving)

·         The Hero

·         Kim Bassinger’s Diet

·         Statue

·         The Great God Pan

·         Worms

·         Spare a Thought

·         Resolution

·         Jimmy Loves Mary

·         Books

·         In Slattery’s

·         Krunchy and Milady

·         The Da

·         The Great Six-O

·         My Garden

·         Female Modes of Dress (or The Miniskirt)

·         Good Morning

·         The Dance in the Village Hall

·         Typing Section

·         Vacant Mood

·         Do You Yen for a Feel

·         Obsessed

·         Silver Wedding

·         Corrakit

·         The Civil Servant

·         The New Daughter of Houlihan

·         Mayo in July

·         Home Computers

·         Lewinsky

·         Jacussy

·         Tit Shaking

·         Paddy Macaroni

·         Hour on a Bean

The Outrageous Poems of Krunchie Killeen:

 KRUNCHIE AND MILADY

 (I asked an 86 year old man how he was. He replied: “Well, I'm still chasing women, but I can't keep up with them any more.”)

Have you seen Milady?

Wherever is she gone,

With her yellow hair a flying

And her purple jumpsuit on?

She went down to the butcher's

And to the grocer's shop,

And still I haven't caught her,

For she did them on the hop!

She was laughing with the butcher

And with the people there;

But, when she saw me coming,

She put on a wicked glare.

I only want to be with her,

To hold her dainty hand,

And why she does not wait for me

I do not understand.

The reason I can't catch her

Is that she moves so quick;

But I keep hobbling after

Upon my walking stick.

If she doesn't like me,

That might be, I suppose,

That I have wrinkles on my forehead

And a wart upon my nose.

I'll rub cream into my forehead,

Until every wrinkle goes,

And have a surgeon cut the wart

Right off my knobbly nose.

So, when you see me coming

With a bandage on my face,

You'll know that I have suffered

For Milady's sake.

If you see Milady,

Please send her back to me.

I'll buy her lovely apple tart

And a pot of golden tea.

I'll go to the flower shop

And buy her a red, red rose,

Or, if she likes rare orchids,

I'll buy her some of those.

I'll buy her fine silk dresses

And ribbons for her hair,

And dress her like a fairy queen

And take her everywhere.

I'll take her to the theatre

And to the hub of every hub.

I'll even have her dine with me

At the Bankers' Club.

And I'm going to buy her

A fabulous motorcar,

Whichever kind she chooses,

Rolls Royce or Jaguar.

Yes, I'll provide Milady

With every luxury

This world has to offer,

If she will but have me.

But, have you seen Milady?

I'm searching everywhere.

You'll know her by her purple suit

And lovely, yellow hair.

You'll easily know Milady,

For she's like a fairy queen,

So light and bright and airy,

The prettiest ever seen.

Me and Milady

As a couple would be nice, --

Her hair as fine as soft silk,

My beard like iron spikes.

Her soft skin the colours

Of the lily and the rose;

My face like wrinkled autumn leaves,

And my pink and purple nose.

Her face all bright and lively,

Her dazzling, happy smile;

The expression of importance

And authority on mine.

O, madam fortune-teller,

Will I win my Wonder girl?

She'd prefer a younger man, sir,

With teeth as white as pearl.

Well, I'll take me to the dentist

And get my black teeth out,

And he'll fix me up a set of teeth

As fine as any youth's.

She'd prefer a younger man, sir,

With black and curly hair.

Well, I'll buy myself a black wig

And then be quite as fair.

When she sees me in my new wig

And white and shiny teeth,

She'll smile a smile for me then

And warmly me will greet.

Surely she will offer

A soft and gentle kiss!

Then she'll enjoy the prickles

Of my beard upon her lips.

She will be so filled with joy,

She'll shout to all the land,

"From this moment on, please note,

That Krunchie is my man."

I see a happy picture:

Me in my rocking chair

And Milady sitting by the fire

Combing her yellow hair.

And every now and then, see,

She'll raise her eyes to mine,

And mention once again her love,

And smile her lovely smile.

With all the money in my bank

We'll live a life so grand,

Krunchie and Milady

Will be the envy of the land.

We'll have Champagne for breakfast,

For dinner and for tea,

And the best of beef and mutton

And salmon from the sea.

We'll have Krunchie nutty cornflakes

And Krunchie apples too,

And lovely Krunchie chocolate bars

And Krunchie croutons in our stew.

And every single day,

As Milady cooks my meals,

She'll tell me once again

How happy she feels.

And every single morning,

As Milady makes my bed,

She'll tell me she's so happy,

So happy that we're wed.

Before she cooks my breakfast,

As Milady sets the fire,

She'll let me know she loves me

And that I'm her heart's desire.

And every single noontime,

As Milady scrubs the pots,

She'll let me know, of course,

That she loves me lots.

And every single afternoon,

As Milady sweeps the floor,

She’ll let me know she loves me

Daily more and more.

As she whizzes round our mansion

With her Hoover and her mop,

She'll tell me that her love for me

Will never, never, stop.

And every single evening,

As Milady pours the wine,

She'll let me know she loves me

And considers me divine.

Daily after dinner,

As she washes up,

I'll snore upon my rocking chair

Until it's time to sup.

But, have you seen Milady?

I'm sure she came this way.

Why does she run away from me?

Is it a game to play?

In this shopping centre

There are five and forty shops;

I'll sit upon this wooden seat

And wait for her to stop.

She's in the Supermarket

Getting ninety one things more

With her shopping trolley

Zooming round the floor.

She has me quite exhausted;

I'll follow her no more;

I know that I can meet her

When she leaves the exit door.

Good Glory! Is she coming

With arms outstretched to me,

A radiant smile upon her face

For joy'n my company?

Good Grief! Not me she's meeting, -

O, how this makes me wince,-

But a whipper-snapper near me

Whom she calls some name like "Prince."

How could she fancy someone

As empty-brained as he,

And take no note whatever

Of a distinguished man like me?

O, have you seen young Susan,

With the lovely, auburn hair?

She's the only one with whom

My life I'd like to share.

I couldn't bear Milady,

That silly, shallow shrew;

My heart is always yearning

For sensitive, sweet, Sue.

Copyright

You may copy the poems for your own amusement, but you may not distribute or perform any poem publicly or for reward until you have obtained my consent.

Free Access!

Support Free Access! If you have enjoyed some or all of the poems, please make a small Donation (e.g., $5). Payments are by PAYPAL secure payment system.

Now Visit Krunchies’ Verse Blog to view his current oeuvre. 

Don’t Miss: The Art of Diarmaid Killeen