Contents:

·         Cat

·         Caterpillar

·         Christmas When

·         Frankie Wankie

·         Junira Nations

·         Approaching Twenty

·         Mná

·         Joan Maguire

·         My Love Bites

·         Lily White Breast

·         Alan Mullally’s Song (Now I’m Leaving)

·         The Hero

·         Kim Bassinger’s Diet

·         Statue

·         The Great God Pan

·         Worms

·         Spare a Thought

·         Resolution

·         Jimmy Loves Mary

·         Books

·         In Slattery’s

·         Krunchy and Milady

·         The Da

·         The Great Six-O

·         My Garden

·         Female Modes of Dress (or The Miniskirt)

·         Good Morning

·         The Dance in the Village Hall

·         Typing Section

·         Vacant Mood

·         Do You Yen for a Feel

·         Obsessed

·         Silver Wedding

·         Corrakit

·         The Civil Servant

·         The New Daughter of Houlihan

·         Mayo in July

·         Home Computers

·         Lewinsky

·         Jacussy

·         Tit Shaking

·         Paddy Macaroni

·         Hour on a Bean

The Outrageous Poems of Krunchie Killeen:

THE DANCE IN THE VILLAGE HALL

‘Tis well that I remember

The dance in the village hall,

Where the boys and girls assembled

Along each opposite wall;

And we stood there filled with tension,

As the band played on and on,

And its dreary numbers

Re-echoed round the hall;

And, when the pubs all emptied,

The bowsies hit the scene;

There was pushing; there was shoving,

And the air, it reeked of beer;

And then, suddenly, it happened,

Like an army on attack,

The line of lads fell forward

Upon the female pack.

You were my choice, my darling,

And I nearly dropped stone dead,

When you raised your eyes to heaven,

And coldly shook your head.

You were as sweet as apple blossom,

As pure as the driven snow,

And why you danced with Bluebeard

Is a thing I’ll never know.

For, yes, a bleary bluebeard

Danced and held you tight,

And your eyes closed in surrender:

You gave in without a fight.

Well, lurching was forbidden,

Said a notice on the wall.

I complained him to the bouncer.

He was thrown out of the hall.

My disgust and disappointment,

When you followed him outside.

O, the wild imaginations

Of my tormented mind!

I recall you went to England

A short while after that,

But we started going together

After you came back.

Yes, we started going together,

And my heart near burst with pride,

The day that we got married

And you became my bride.

Now, you treat me like a doormat;

You lacerate me with your tongue,

Your words all laced with acid,

Dreadful poison, every one.

So, I’m heading for the pub now

To drink a rake of beer,

After which I’ll hit the disco

And shift a young colleen.

Copyright

You may copy the poems for your own amusement, but you may not distribute or perform any poem publicly or for reward until you have obtained my consent.

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